im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
