so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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