and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
