I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
