break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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