U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
