I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
