i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
