Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
