She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
