I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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