so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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