i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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