I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
