Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
