anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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