Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
