Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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