I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
