I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
