My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
