i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
