Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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