My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
