If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
