If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
