Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We need to get me chipped asap
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
