"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
