saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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