I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
