Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He passed out mid-signature
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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