Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
