I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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