It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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