apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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