Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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