I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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