I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
