The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
