I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
