Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
