I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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