i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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