I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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