And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
