youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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