So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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