someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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