I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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