I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
