I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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