dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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