he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
