I think my fart just growled at me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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