im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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