fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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