Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
