That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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