dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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