It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
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his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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