If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
