He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My ass is underappreciated
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
