I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
