That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
