I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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