So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
