She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
